Disloyal

I'm loyal to a fault. This defining characteristic is not necessarily something so terrible, but it does come with its own headaches. Often, I find myself in a situation where someone I hold dear to me, or someone that has my loyalty in principle is being attacked and I get very defensive - even on the things that drive me mad myself.

I fight tooth and nail for someone, not because in my heart of hearts I believe them to be perfect, purely because in my heart I trust their intentions. I believe that they believe they're doing something for a reason, no matter how misguided or twisted their perception may be.

Sometimes I know they're wrong, but I'll justify and argue for them. I'll make a thousand excuses to you even if my heart is agreeing with your attack.

Sometimes, fate pits you against two friends or parties whom both have a claim on your loyalty. Loyalty can be claimed in a number of ways, loyal by blood, by reputation, by love, by respect. So many ways you can feel yourself bound by loyalty. Take an institution. Yes it wasn't the best, yes it was riddled with flaws and mistakes and wronged you a number of times - but it also shaped you and helped you grow. Don't you feel you owe it to keep your spiteful remarks to yourself? To maybe defend it against an outsiders spiteful remarks?

Let's hit closer home, your country. You can insult it day and night, complain about the taxes, the government, the traffic, the bribery, the corruption - whatever. But the second you hear a foreigner complaining, oh hell no. Everything is forgotten, all that remains is pure loyalty.

Suppose you're stuck between two, both with a claim on your loyalty, what would a loyal person do? You end up being forced to take the devils advocate role. You defend each blindly and passionately to the other, your heart is torn and you're confused yourself, so all you use for your pitch is blind loyalty. From the first you hear accusations being thrown around, each one searing inside you, but you stay loyal in their defence. You turn to the second for a soothing balm and you're treated with another round of accusations thrown back to the first. Both parties insist on wounding you, but you maintain their defence. Because you believe them both. You believe their intentions if not their actions.

But what hurts most of all, what makes your heart bleed silently and your eyes shed salty tears, is that each thinks you disloyal as you defend the other.

I'll never stop being loyal to a fault. Even if you think otherwise.

For I'm loyal.

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