I find myself stranded on the shores of doubt as I tumble across the sand dunes wondering what to explore. There are many, some large some small, some buried deep and hidden, others glaringly obvious. Which demon do I face? Must I face any? The landscape is barren un-watered, no plants can thrive, yet for some obscure reason attractive. I pause. I think. I fail to see where the attraction lies. All I see is an empty land stretched for miles in front of me, thistles and thorns where my gaze lands.
I like to think that all humans are alike. That we all crave admiration. Does not another pride make us drunk with joy? A compliment, unthinkingly given, makes us glow within, warming us to our toes, even as we brush it off outwardly and thank them modestly. Or maybe we’re not all alike. Maybe we know ourselves. Do we need praise for something we know is well done? Does not a writer seek recognition for his works? A film director an Oscar? A scientist a Noble Prize? They mark our milestones, tell us you’re not only good in your mind, we think you’re good too.
I feel my thoughts stutter and disperse, my determined will breaks. My hand falters, my ink dries. In what I intended to do perhaps I failed. Forgive me. For I’m too riddled with doubts to stand the harsh spotlights of this world. Scrutiny I fear, having ones flaws open to another’s judgement too terrifying a thought. If I cannot bear a single teasing word thrown at me, shouldn’t that speak volumes to you?
I don’t know if you will understand me any more for this post, or any less. Just know, in all heartfelt emotion I tell you, I accept you.
I loved so many parts of this. The honesty above all. I understand what you're saying. Some say they don't seek praise, but an honest heartfelt praise is always welcomed even if it wasn't sought.
ReplyDeleteWe know ourselves, perhaps better than anyone else would ever understand us, but we're hardly ever fair to ourselves, so another person's perspective makes us see ourselves in another light. They could be mistaken of course, and often we go back and forth thinking of what they say about us, doubting ourselves. Dilemma and self-doubt.
I specially loved this:
"Scrutiny I fear, having ones flaws open to another’s judgement too terrifying a thought. If I cannot bear a single teasing word thrown at me, shouldn’t that speak volumes to you?"
I feel this way so many times. How can you accept criticism without it shattering your self esteem? I suppose you must deal look at praise and criticism in one way, accept them carefully, think about them but one must be careful with how they can get into your head. That's always tricky though.
Doubts will always be there. Always. I'm learning to accept that, and try to get on as best as I can.
You express yourself so eloquently though. :)
Not the least surprised to be standing in "owe" again. That hand that you said faltered did express itself so well while faltering, the link that has dried has achieved its purpose before drying up.
ReplyDeleteAnd you didn't not fail in expressing yourself, for you have done so properly as you always do, but whether or not the reader will understand or not; that is entirely up to him and not in any bit related to how you voiced your thoughts.
Perhaps we fear viewing ourselves the way others around us view us, we are anxious yet afraid at the same time to believe them.
And like I've already said, I absolutely love reading your posts.
I have to admit that, although not like usual I am not the first to read or comment on this post, yet I find myself deeply rooted in the words written there in the post, even the ones I don't fully grasp, don't worry you'll explain them to me soon inshallah :*
<3 love you
I LOVE this!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'll get back to comment in details =) Beautiful post though!
Wow, awesome! This is a gorgeous passage you've posted <3
ReplyDeleteWhy can't I enable comments on my blog btw? :((
I felt like a lot of the above description was about myself...I could really relate to it.
ReplyDeleteAcceptance - more than praise - is all that we need sometimes, because it makes us feel like we're actually enough for someone, rather than 'not enough' or merely 'good enough'.
Can't wait to read more!
Wow! you ARE good. What a way to end it :)
ReplyDelete