Timely Insanity

Practically two thirds of Ramadan is gone, and I have nothing to show for it. At the start, I was riddled with excitement, I thought I was finally changing my outlook, that this month I would exit it a different person than how I entered it.

Spiritually, I was excited. I thought I had almost, almost, grasped the concept of acceptance. That the key to contentment lied in gratitude, that if I could just peel away my perfectionist expectations, if I could take the time to truly appreciate every small thing in life, I would finally find peace. I thought I was on to the clue of happiness and peace and that it would so soon be in my hands.

Every time I get up, I tell myself I will not fall again. Yet I keep falling. I'm insistent in doing the same mistakes again and again, I'm insistent in tripping over the same rocks. Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. Perhaps I am insane, for that is what I am doing, repeating my mistakes, and failing again.

Whether it's in my relationship  with God, in my shortcomings and repetitive sins that I just can't seem to bring an end to, no matter how often I say, "never again", or whether it's in the sense of hopelessness I allow myself to fall into repeatedly, the overwhelming black cloud that seems to settle and numb me, make me alternate drastically from indifferent to hypersensitive, a roller-coaster of emotion, change seems far.

There's not much time left. I'm up against a deadline and I don't know when the deadline is. It could come at any moment, and I don't want it to come before I've found the way.

It's not over yet. Let me try to grasp whatever positivity I have left in me and not dwell on the unfortunate happenings in my life. Let me learn how to laugh again and give up the tears. It's a funny thing pouring your heart out to a screen isn't it? It's where you can indulge and not feel like a narcissist, unburden yourself and not feel like a burden. It's where you learn the different shades of you, ones that you'll spend your entire life trying to learn. I think it's you how you view yourself, or you how you wish to view yourself.

Keep loving. Keep giving. Keep smiling. Keep trying.

Eventually, it will make a difference.